Ralph Higgins

Ralph Higgins
color pencil sketch by Gayle Higgins

Quotes I Like

"If you do not take an interest in the affairs of your government, then you are doomed to live under the rule of fools."

– Plato


Monday, December 3, 2012

Where's Jimmy Hoffa?

     My previous post was a philosophical critique meant to encourage those of us who struggle with the changes of age and life in general.  I described “change” as a “constant” and “age” fits in the change category.

            They say that with age comes wisdom.  Or what passes as wisdom.  Sometimes an older guy will not answer a question immediately.  He will ponder it, stare at his coffee, and he may never answer.  This is sometimes considered a sign that his thoughts are much deeper than the question that was asked.  When I do this it’s usually because I forgot the question.

            I’ll admit that sometimes I get carried away with hyperbole to make a point. But why write a story without a little exaggeration?  Or maybe extrapolating from a realistic idea to an absurdity?  That’s what makes writing fun for me.   

            For example, my friend Ed Wall, who has actually seen my infamous garage, considers it a “work of art” and in reality it is not as bad as I describe it.  And neither is my wife, Gayle.  She doesn’t really chase me around the house with an ax.  I hid the ax in the garage and keep sharp implements on high shelves. 

            Ed stated in his comment that Jimmy Hoffa could be in my garage somewhere under all the junk.  That’s not possible.  Based on reliable sources, Hoffa went through a series of facelifts and physical transformations and re-appeared as Nancy Pelosi.  You can see the terror in Nancy’s eyes.  She knows that someday her stretched face will crack open and old Jimmy will pop out, grinning like a hog eating briers.     

            When describing my cluttered garage, I’m going back in time to a very close buddy who had a warehouse that is actually the model for the exaggerated descriptions of my garage.

            His warehouse had tunnels leading through mountains of keepsakes and junk.  When I worked up the courage to venture into those tunnels, I wore a miner’s hat with a light and always left a trail of pennies to follow to get back out. Breadcrumbs wouldn’t work because of hungry life-forms lurking in the darkness. 

            My friend almost got a contract with the government for the Witness Protection Program, since his warehouse was the perfect hiding place.  Unfortunately it was discovered that two electricians and a plumber entered the maze for repair work and were never seen again.  That squelched the deal. 

            My garage is nothing like that.  So far everyone who has entered my garage has come out alive and relatively unscathed.  And so far Gayle hasn’t found the ax I hid.  She always says she’s looking for Christmas decorations upstairs, but I’m never sure.  It’s good to have a wife who keeps you on your toes.


  1. I remember well your famous garage. in fact you made Gayle & I get in the limo when it was inside the garage. I know it was not as bad as you imply, but there was a strange funky smell there and Gayle said on cold winter nights she often heard sounds that might have moans.
    Ralph, I think she knows where to find the ax, but is better able to keep a modicum of control by letting you wonder if she'll find it.
    Keep these stories coming Ralph, hyperbole or not. They may just be entertaining enuf that she'll not get the ax!
    Merry Christmas my friends and happy snow days.

    1. I noticed that you spelled "ax" and I spelled it "axe." Both are acceptable, but yours is probably more accurate. I was just exaggerating with my spelling.
      I remember your suspicions about the strange moans from the garage. That was actually Jimmy Hoffa during his gender modification procedure. All we could find was a local vet to do the job. (He used the ax.)

  2. Please be aware of the following: Ralph owns and operates a very large cvar. Either a Lincoln or a Crown Victoria. Something of that nature.

    The one and only time I have visited Ralph, as we pulled into his driveway, my wife and I watched as Ralph looked very fervently and anxiously for something in his garage or museum or warehouse As we got out of the car I asked Ralph what he was looking for. His Answer?

    Of course he answered "My $%##!""<**>? car!!!!

    Now you know the "Rest of the Story".

    1. It's a Lincoln and normally it would be big enough to find in a better organized garage. I hid the *&^%^$#@ car on purpose, because I had Jimmy Hoffa in the trunk.