Ralph Higgins

Ralph Higgins
color pencil sketch by Gayle Higgins

Quotes I Like

"If you do not take an interest in the affairs of your government, then you are doomed to live under the rule of fools."

– Plato

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Saturday, January 5, 2013

Happy New Year


I’m back.  I did seriously plan to end my blog . . . and it was not a ploy to get reactions.  Seriously.  But I did get more reactions via email than I expected and evidently there are some loyal friends and readers out there who enjoy my ruminations and want me to keep going.  So here we go.

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            The internet is full of jokes about the “joys” of getting old, but I like to make up my own.  Faced with the option of shoveling snow or dashing off some spontaneous nonsense, here are a few that I just made up while watching the snow fall. 

You know you’re getting old if:

  • You don’t know what day it is until you check your pill box for empties.

  • You moved from shoe laces to Velcro straps on your tennis shoes.

  • You set off airport screening devices due to metal replacement parts.

  • You use shopping carts for support while shopping, but still try to look cool.

  • You call your doctor by his first name, because he looks like he’s 12 years old.

  • You can’t slide into your car without bumping your head.

  • Your arms begin to look like you spent an unsuccessful career disarming bombs.

  • You’re proud if you can see your belt buckle without using a mirror.

  • You consider the remote control the greatest invention since long-handled shoehorns.

  • You think you’re being followed, but it’s just your artificial knee clicking.

  • People who look to be your own age refer to you as “mam” or “sir.”

  • You’re so bald that you can put your glasses on backwards and terrify people behind you.

  • You now have fewer body organs and more replacement parts than an old Chevy.

  • Strangers hold doors open for you and you smile and let them.

  • Your leg scar is a status symbol and proof of membership in the heart bi-pass club.

  • Attractive women are only flirtatious because they know you can’t catch them.

  • You think your grandkids are demon possessed because of their speed-texting thumbs.

  • You think the nurse who says, “And how are we today?” has formed a bond with you.

  • Knowing the bathroom location is a priority on your first visit anywhere. 

  • You’re not sure if your wife loves you or pities you.

  • At class reunions, you are convinced that you don’t look as old as your friends.

  • You’re afraid to call people in your phone book, since so many are now gone.

  • You learn ingenious ways to avoid introductions, since you can’t remember names.

  • You don’t worry about carrying heavy things. Some young guy will offer to help.

  • You can avoid embarrassing situations by acting confused. 

  • You also avoid difficult tasks, like installing snow chains, by using the same ploy.

  • An open fly with your shirt sticking out is acceptable and considered informal attire.

  • You need a second pair of glasses to find your first pair, which are on your head.

  • You consider kids with baseball hats on backwards to be morons.

  • You see no reason to be in a hurry anymore.

  • You wear white socks with black pants as a secret signal to other senior insurgents.

  • If you’re a man, you view proctologists with nervous suspicion and try not to smile.

  • And you never, ever use a proctologist within 50 miles of San Francisco.

  • You’re expected to drive with your left turn blinker on at all times.

  • Your mouth pops open involuntarily the moment the dentist enters the room.

  • A firemen unrolling the fire hose is a terrifying reminder of your last colonoscopy.

  • You have the time to enjoy the little things that you missed in your rush to get nowhere.

  • The smell of a broiling steak, a light snowfall, and a football game on TV is excitement.

These are just a few thoughts that popped into my mind as I avoid my chores.  Writing is another ploy I use to make Gayle think I’m working. 

9 comments:

  1. If Jeff Foxworthy sees this he will be pissed he didn't think of these gems. My favorite is, looking for our glasses. Great one liners and something else you should submit to AARP. Perhaps they could use a great word artist like my old pal Ralph Higgins. I'm happy to see you back at it.
    Your pal,
    Jim Loar

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Jim.
      Football season is almost over and watching the news is like watching the clouds from the window of a crashing airliner, so I decided that writing is a great diversion for me. But it was friends like you who got me going again.

      Delete
  2. I am laughing so hard it is difficult to write. We, 'more mature' individuals, really are unique. No wonder the younger generation doesn't take us serious.

    (Can't stop laughing). 'The shirt hanging out of the fly'. tee hee (I've really seen that).

    Does any of our generation wear clothes that look nice, instead of clothes that are just plain comfortable? And now, I think we are rubbinb off on the younger generations, because you see more and more teenagers and middle aged people going into stores with their flannel bottoms and T-shirt tops on. What have we created?

    And are we just too old, we don't care?

    I still can't stop laughing. I'm framing this one Ralph. You really out did yourself. WELCOME BACK.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Sharon.

      That shirt thing happened to me once, but I didn't notice until I left the store. Never went back to that store. The clicking knee is mine too. It's sad...

      Delete
  3. Ralph you really Hit a great one! I didn't think you would really stick to the 'withdrawal', but the possibility was not something I looked forward to.

    I'm still laughing at over half of the items and I think I resemble at least half (or more).

    Welcome back and Gayle knows you do this to avoid shoveling snow.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey Malcolm -

      I "resemble" a lot of them too. I'll admit to Velcro straps and checking my pill box, but so far I haven't worn white socks with black pants, but my knee clicks.

      Delete
  4. I thought today was Sunday! I guess I missed a few pills!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ed - Here's a thought...if you take the whole week's allocation at one time, you'll be a week closer to the Super Bowl.

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