Ralph Higgins

Ralph Higgins
color pencil sketch by Gayle Higgins

Quotes I Like

"If you do not take an interest in the affairs of your government, then you are doomed to live under the rule of fools."

– Plato


Saturday, November 16, 2013

Man on the Street Interviews

Live - From XYZ-TV

Announcer:  “It’s time for our weekly ‘Man on the Street’ segment.  We’ve sent our reporter, Steve O. Smith, our S.O.S. man, out to San Francisco where the ‘Anti-Gravity’ protest is in full swing.  Now let’s join Steve at the protest rally.”

Steve:  “Thanks, Bill.  I’m here at the Anti-Gravity protest where there is a great deal of excitement.  Let’s talk to some of the folks who appear to have issues with the Law of Gravity, which they feel is unfair to weight-challenged people, white basketball players, and busty women.”

Steve:  “Hi young lady.  I’m Steve Smith with XYZ-TV. What’s your name and what do you do?
Suzie:  “My name is Suzie and I’m a college student.”
Steve:  “Why are you here today, Suzie?”
Suzie:   “My professor gives us extra credit if we show up with a sign and …”
Steve:  “But why are you personally involved?  How does gravity affect your life?”
Suzie:  “Well, my professor goes, ‘just show up, and I’m like…, well gravity is a problem.  And he goes, ‘we need to fight gravity.’ And I’m all, ‘wow.’ Like I really don’t know much about gravity, but, like, I know it’s bad.  He goes, ‘it started under Bush.’  And I’m all …totally. Anyway, my professor wants to, like, unpeel the law.”
Steve:  “I think you mean, ‘repeal’ the law.’
Suzie:  “Whatever…”
Steve: “Thank you, Suzie. 

Steve: “Here’s a young man who appears enthusiastic. What’s your name, young man?”
Tyrone:  “Mohamed Washington Milhous Willy Jackson.  Jus call me ‘Tyrone.’ What it be like, Bro?”
Steve: “It be cool.  Why are you here today, Mr. Jackson . . . ah, Tyrone?”
Tyrone:  “Too much gravity, know what ah mean.  That space guy hopping around on the moon.  He be jumpin’ like a grasshopper.  We need moon gravity for basketball - jump shots, slam dunks, nothin’ but net, know what ah mean.”
Steve: “That makes sense.  Thank you, Tyrone.”

Steve: “Here’s a fellow who…I think he’s a ‘fellow.’  Hi.  What’s your name and what do you do?”
Dr. Brucie: “I’m Dr. Gaylord Brucie. I’m a college professor.  I teach ‘gay, lesbian, transsexual, bisexual, and asexual studies.’  I’m also the author of two books:  ‘Joys of Bestiality,’ and ‘Catatonic Foreplay.’  I’m currently working on my next book, ‘How Traditional Marriage and Monogamy Contribute to Global Warming.’”
Steve:  “Well sir, one of your students said you were a little ‘light in the loafers,’ so I wondered why you would protest the Law of Gravity. Wouldn’t that be an advantage for you?  I mean, being so light and all…”
Dr. Brucie: “Oh, a big silly you. Gravity is not our friend.  Haven’t you ever fallen down?  Think of the lives that could be saved without gravity.  But I’m happy you asked, you macho savage, you.  Oh my, I simply love your hair.”
Steve: “Thank you, professor. I …Ah…I have to leave now. 

Steve:  “Here’s a young fellow who looks pretty calm among the excitement of the protest.  What’s your name, young man?”
Young man:  “Huh?
Steve:  “Why are you here today?”
Young man: “Where am I?”
Steve:  “You’re at the ‘Anti-Gravity’ rally.”
Young man:  “Seriously, Dude?  I knew I was somewhere.”
Steve: “So why are you here?”
Young man: “Free grass, man . . .”
Steve:  “How do you feel about gravity?”
Young man: “Huh.  What the hell is gravity?”
Steve: “That’s what holds you to the ground.”
Young man: “Oh. That can’t be good.  But it don’t affect me.  I stay high.  I don’t know jack about grav…What was that word again?  Here, take a toke, man.”
Steve: “No thanks.  I have to move on.

Steve: “Well hello Senator.  I didn’t expect to see you here.”
Senator:  “And who are you?”
Steve: I’m Steve O. Smith from XYZ-TV.  We’re doing a piece on the Anti-Gravity protest.  Are you involved in this?”
Senator:  “No.  Not really.  But these are my constituents and I’m here to support them.”
Steve:  “So you’re against the Law of Gravity too.”
Senator:  “Is that what this is all about?  I thought they were protesting daylight savings time or trans fats. But whatever it is, I support it.”
Steve: “But Senator, these folks don’t seem to know what they’re protesting.”
Senator: “That’s a good thing.  The less they know the better.  That’s how we get their vote. Buzz words like ‘women’s rights,’ ‘racism,’ or slogans like ‘hope and change,’ work every time.  Gotta appeal to their emotions - not their brain.
Steve: “So you believe that they don’t think about issues?  They simply vote on feelings and emotion?
Senator:  “Hell man.  Half the country votes like that.  Some of them can’t even read and most don’t even know who the Vice President is, so we have to tell them what to do and what to think.  We know what’s best for them, (he laughs) and what’s best for us, of course (laughs again).”
Steve:  “Well, Senator, I don’t want to keep you from your constituents.  I appreciate your taking time to talk with us.
Senator:  “No problem, Steve, but don’t forget to vote for me.”  
Steve: “Thank you, Senator.”

Steve: “Well Bill, that’s the scene at the Anti-Gravity rally.  Everyone here seems to be happy to be back protesting again. Evidently they believe that the Law of Gravity is racist and a violation of human rights.  They say the real victims of this law are women, minorities, and the poor. They want it repealed.  Back to you, Bill.”

Bill:  “Thank you, Steve.  I want to remind our viewers that our next report will cover Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid’s latest attempt to bring sexual neutrality and gender sensitivity to the nation.  The new bill proposes removing the “stand-up” urinals from men’s restrooms and banning offensive masculine references in words.  For example, former Governor Jon Huntsman, will be known as Jon “Huntsperson.” A college freshman will be a “freshperson” and so on.  Be sure to tune in for that report.


  1. Ralph, did you forget to take your medicine again??????

    Maybe it floated away!

    1. Ed - Writing that thing was so much fun, I think I'll toss my meds. You may be right. Either I'm nuts or our culture is nuts.

  2. AnonymousNovember 16, 2013 at 4:50 PM
    So true to life in the USA today.
    Ask people which way is North or South, East or West.....
    the answer I received was " I don't know, I just know how to
    get from my house".

  3. That's where we appear to be headed. God forbid

    1. When they outlaw beards, you and I will be out of luck, Jack.