Keep Your Wife Out of the Garage

(Warning: The following is based on a true story. It could happen in a garage near you.)

My Wife: “When are you going to clean out this garage? Look at this mess!”

Me: “I’ll get to it. I’m just looking for something out here.”

Wife: “It’s all junk. What’s this metal thing?

Me: “I don’t know, but I’m going to save it. I may need it sometime.”

Wife: “When was the last time you needed it? You don’t even know what it is.

Me: “It looks important and if I toss it I’ll probably wish I had it the day after I toss it.”

Wife: “When you die, the kids are just going to throw all this stuff out. You should do them a favor and get rid of it all now. The garage is supposed to be for cars.”

Me: “We can fit a car in here. I can move this stuff around. I’ll build some shelves.”

Wife: “Come on…when have you ever built anything?”

Me: “Shelves are easy.”

Wife: “Just think…if you toss this junk it’ll make you feel clean, free and unburdened and it’ll make me feel better too. I can’t even walk around in here.”

Me: “That’s not true. You can walk around in here. Look – there’s a little path over there. If you follow that path you’ll find my old Triumph motorcycle. The one I rode around Europe on back in the 60’s. Man, those were great times. And the furnace is back there somewhere too. You just have to work your way around things.”

Wife: “That’s ridiculous. It looks like a rat tunnel or something. There could be a dead body in here and you’d never know it.”

Me: “I’d smell it.”

Wife: “If I follow your stupid path I may never be seen again.

Me: “Go for it…”

Wife: “Seriously. It’s like a black hole in space. You should carry a cell phone when you’re out here in the garage in case you get lost. What’s in this box?”

Me: “That’s my old Cub Scout uniform.”

Wife: “Here. Put that Cub Scout hat on.”

Me: “Looks good doesn’t it?”

Wife: “It barely covers your bald spot.”

Me: “Yeah. It is a little small…”

Wife: “Now why in the world would you save something like that? That must go back to the 40’s. Do you think you’re going to need it someday?”

Me: The kids may want to have their dad’s Cub Scout uniform to show the grandkids. You never know. It’s got sentimental value and it’s an antique.”

Wife: “Speaking of antiques…”

Me: “See that old duffle bag? That has all my old army stuff in it. I can’t toss something like that. And that box of clothes…when I lose weight I can wear those again. ‘Waste not, want not’, or something like that. Who said that?”

Wife: “That’s ridiculous. I’m sure you would look great in a polyester leisure suit, a white belt and white shoes.”

Me: “Look. This was my first baseball mitt. I got this when I was about 8 years old.”

Wife: “We need to get you into therapy.”

Me: “Hey. We didn’t have much money when I was a kid. We saved things. Not like our affluent ‘throw-away’ society now. People in China would love to have this stuff.”

Wife: “Well why don’t you send it to them and get it out of the garage so we can get the car in here?”

Me: I don’t think they have Cub Scouts in China.”

Wife: “You know…it would really be nice if we could fit a car in our garage. That’s what normal people do.”

Me: “Maybe we just need a smaller car.”

Wife: “They don’t make cars that small. Your daughter said they have medication for your condition.”

Me: “Okay, okay. I’ll start working on it tomorrow. Nah, there’s a football game on tomorrow. Maybe next weekend. No. Can’t do it then either. Maybe this summer when it warms up. Or…